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Godzilla's 6 weirdest foes!

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Godzilla's 6 weirdest foes!

Post by Shesherkobita on 2014-05-19, 09:15

Godzilla’s 6 Weirdest Foes

Godzilla has had many title bouts with fearsome combatants over his 60 years. Godzilla vs. Mothra. Godzilla vs. Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster. Godzilla vs. The Japanese Electric Company (an injury lawsuit resulting from the countless times Godzilla tripped over the company’s power lines during a rampage). But he’s also had his fair share of curious, ridiculous, or just plain hastily designed foes over the years, including the following rogues gallery of less-than-camera-pretty creatures.

Movie Appearance: “Godzilla vs. Biollante” (1989)
Description: Responding to apparently someone’s demand that Godzilla become involved in vicious gardening, the studio created Biollante, a combo platter of human and rose DNA. Featuring a massive blossom that opens when it hears Godzilla’s roar—making this the most sexually explicit Godzilla film ever unless all that dubbing has been hiding a lot of bedroom banter between monsters—Biollante also had teeth inside its open, waiting bud, long vine tentacles with which to embrace Godzilla, and a large, fleshy sac with no known purpose except to make viewers go “Damn!” as they suddenly feel hot and bothered.

Movie Appearances: “Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster “ (1966), “All Monsters Attack” (1969), “Godzilla: Final Wars” (2004)
Description: A giant lobster named after the Japanese word for “shrimp” (rarely do Godzilla scripts go through an editing process), Ebirah’s rage must have come from him having just escaped a boiling pot of water. (Since most lobsters are naturally a dark greenish-blue before cooking turns them red.) Alas, an attacking seafood special elicited not screams of terror so much as confused questions like “What on earth does it mate with besides passing cruise ships?” and “Is it okay to eat him in a month that doesn’t end in an ‘R’?” However, that didn’t stop Ebirah—who also went by the names “Sea Monster,” “Horror of the Deep,” and “Serve with Melted Butter”—to appear in three Godzilla films, showing that it pays to make friends with such big players as Rodan.

Movie Appearance: “Godzilla vs. Megalon” (1973)
Description: Designed to look like a cross between a cockroach and a rhinoceros beetle—if either bug sported a starfruit-shaped tumor and the grill of a 1946 Chevy for a mouth—Megalon was a giant insectoid who served as god of the underwater Seatopian people. (Which is like saying Aquaman uses his special powers to summon cattle.) The Seatopians commanded Megalon to destroy the humans who seized control of Earth centuries ago, proving Megalon didn’t quite understand the hierarchy that is involved in being a god. Using drill-like forearms that frankly have nothing to do with either bugs or the sea, Megalon was almost successful in his mission until Godzilla—who by now was so fully in “good guy” mode he made Superman look like a baby puncher by comparison—saved the day and the planet but not his own reputation.

Movie Appearances: “Godzilla vs. Hedorah” (1971), “Godzilla: Final Wars” (2004)
Description: Just one look at what appears to be the Eye of Sauron draped in gray seaweed and you can immediately tell that Hedorah is better known as “The Smog Monster,” right? RIGHT? Well, just take the studio’s word for it then, since “hedoro” is the Japanese word for slime or vomit. Which of course brings us back to initial question, “But why name it The Smog Monster?” to which one can only respond, “Dude, let it go.” Born from pollution, determined to transform the planet into a wasteland, and probably shotgunning burst sewer main pipes, Hedorah spit out balls of slime, sprayed acid/urine, sucked on smokestacks, could transform himself into a flying saucer, and proved a formidable opponent for Godzilla, who probably couldn’t even open his eyes to look at his foe without throwing up everything he ate as a child.

Movie Appearances: “Godzilla vs. Gigan” (1972), “Godzilla vs. Megalon” (1973), “Godzilla: Final Wars” (2004)
Description: A huge alien cyborg whose name probably translates into “Hot-glue whatever the f*** you find on the prop department floor together and get it over to Studio 6 because we start simultaneously writing the script and filming in six minutes!” Gigan can charitably be described as a breathing shop class accident. That’s because he sports a circular saw in his abdomen (which must routinely play havoc on his heart and intestines when operational), large steel hooks for hands that guarantee he will impale himself whenever he scratches an itch or tries to put in a contact lens, and the ability to slaughter Godzilla or himself, depending on whether or not he had anything to drink beforehand.

Movie Appearances: “Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla” (1974), “Terror of Mechagodzilla” (1975), “Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II” (1993), “Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla” (2002), “Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S” (2003)
Description: And so we come to one of the most popular and ridiculous Godzilla nemeses ever conceived. Essentially Godzilla as a Cyberman, Mechagodzilla is the big guy’s robotic evil twin (sans goatee) who repeatedly (though temporarily) beats his fleshy counterpart thanks to an arsenal of weapons including laser cannons, paralysis missiles, paralysis lasers, missile cannons, and whatever the hell else can be bolted to its armor without the recoil ripping it apart. Blessed with an IMDB filmography that most actors would kill for if they wanted quantity over quality or parental pride, Mechagodzilla actually manages to be both very weird and quite cool, transcending the fact he looks like he has four D batteries shoved up his ass and a giant kid operating him with a remote control.

A SMOOSH article.

Dazzling Diamond

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Re: Godzilla's 6 weirdest foes!

Post by Edgar Suit on 2014-05-20, 00:10

Oh boy... Hee Hee

Edgar Suit

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